I Have Worth

As someone that grew up in a Christian family I have been surrounded by followers of Christ my entire life but as a teenager I ran from the teachings of my parents and grandparents into a deep and dark hole. My testimony is not easily shared, though as I continue to heal, God makes it easier for me.

From a small child and into my tween years I was ridiculed for my “boy-ish” hair, build, and lack of shaving my legs. As I transitioned into a teenager and my body made the transformation into a young woman I started taking pride in how I looked and started being noticed by older guys (guys that missed my ugly duckling childhood). Soon into high school I started dating and I gave myself away. At that time I didn’t truly understand what kind of problem I had started. I didn’t realize how destructive sex (if not saved for marriage) could become.

Today’s society is surrounded by sex. Women and even sometimes men are used for sexual pleasure even when fully clothed. Our culture has brainwashed us to look at every person with lustful and judgmental eyes. When I lost my virginity I felt like I had to fit that “sexy and desirable” mold. I became obsessed with every detail of how my body looked and performed, and who was interested in me. I desired to be desired and was willing to give myself to any guy that showed interest in me. At that time I never really considered that no man (no, not even my current husband) could give me the love and affection that I was craving because only God is capable of that kind of love. It is not God’s will for us to be exposed sexually before marriage or to anyone who isn’t our spouse. He knows how detrimental and addictive premarital relations can be because He made sex and He made it good (but ONLY for your marriage).

God wants you to be made holy. He wants you to stay away from sexual sins. He wants all of you to learn to control your own bodies. You must live in a way that is holy. You must live with honor. Don’t desire to commit sexual sins like people who don’t know God.” 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5 (NIRV)

My last two years of high school were the worst as I continued to ruin my reputation and fall deeper and deeper into that dark hole. I began to lose friends and respect from others and for myself as I allowed myself to be emotionally and mentally abused by different guys. Near the middle of my junior year I was drugged and raped by someone that I had previously trusted with my safety. After questioning the events of that night I was told to keep my mouth shut, so I did. A year and a half later my worst accusations were confirmed and a load of heartache, pain, depression, and anxiety came with them. I was mad at myself for being in that situation, I was mad that I didn’t stand up for myself and tell anyone, and I was hurt that the only person I trusted with that information at the time acted as if they didn’t care.

From this point on it became my deepest, darkest secret and I continued to rebel. I ran from God. I felt dirty, used, and as if I was completely meaningless to society. Thankfully God swooped in and saved me with the man that I now call my husband and my daughter that came a year later. He has shown me a love that is not of this world. I now feel that I have worth. Beyond the sex, the way I acted, the partying and drinking, the rumors, and the nasty things people said to me, beyond my body… I. Have. Worth.

My husband is the only one that knows the details that I remember of that night and through our marriage I’ve begun to heal and feel the love of God more than ever. God’s unconditional love has changed my perspective of the terrible things that I have done and the things that have been done to me. I use them to my advantage to fight Satan and to be a light for God in these terribly dark days.

“I am the God who is tender and kind. I am gracious. I am slow to get angry. I am faithful and full of love.” Exodus 4:36 (NIRV)

I have forgiven the guy that raped me, the guys that used me, the people that said and did mean things to me, as well as those that didn’t give me the love and support that I unfairly expected. I am also learning to forgive myself. I see God’s amazing patience, and grace every day. He has wiped the slate clean and forgiven these things and because of Him, I can too. I am a child of God and despite my unfaithfulness, He is faithful and HE LOVES ME. After all, He did send His son to die for me. Because of that I have worth, and no matter your past, you do too.


Marry Him

My husband and I married 13 months after I graduated high school, six months and four days after we met. Most say we married too quickly and in one aspect, I agree. Christ was not first.

We met on a blind date and I did what most girls wouldn’t do. I strolled in 45 minutes late. We started out the date with jokes and laughter then we talked about more serious things like what we wanted in life and in a relationship. He told me that night that he would marry me.

Over the next six month period we charged into marriage like a subway train; partying, drinking, and having premarital sex. We weren’t working toward a Godly marriage and because of this, four months into our marriage, we derailed. I was still nagging and Alex was still lusting. The only thing we were actually talking about was divorce.

A week or so later Alex was home from work after knee surgery and God spoke to my husband through His word. Alex started working toward bettering his side of the relationship and one month later we found out we were pregnant. Changes HAD to be made. It wasn’t until I was eight months pregnant (one year after we married) that Alex decided that divorce was no longer an option. That’s when we decided to REALLY start listening to God. We realized the changes He would make if we let Him take control. God brought us closer together.

Love and respect are decisions. The decision to love each other every day is now easier. The decision to respect each other ever day is now easier. God humbled our hearts. Like the verse in 1 Corinthians we had to learn to be patient and kind, understanding of each other’s love languages and feelings. We also had to learn how to fight healthy because disagreements are normal when you put two people together no matter if they’re your spouse, friend, or sibling. Most importantly we had to learn to keep God first.

As the church we are the bride of Christ. As Christians we should marry our hearts to Him meaning we should be faithful to God through our lives and actions. The commands of God should be the most important because His opinion is the most important. Our relationship with God should come first because He is an unfailing God who is always there. God wants our relationships, ESPECIALLY our marriages, to be successful. In order to do that we must commit ourselves to Him first.

As a christian woman who lived an extremely worldly lifestyle prior to my marriage, I know how boring it seems to commit yourself to a life that excludes worldly things. Having God first has changed my life in ways that are surprising to most that knew me before, but life is much more fulfilling now that I’ve made these changes. My husband and I work hard to try to remove any worldly temptations from our lives. We even goes as far to filter what we watch and listen to. We married our hearts to Christ and though we aren’t perfect we are committed to cleansing our hearts for the Holy Spirit so that we may be better tools for Him.

Sex through the eyes of God.


Let me start by saying, I am by no means an expert on this subject, since neither Chris or myself have ever participated in this act, but I do however, know what the Bible says about sex and what it means in the eyes of the Lord. Chris and I both have been praying to post a blog on this subject and this morning the Lord spoke to me about it and Chris and I both believed that today is the day to post that blog.

So here we go! Fasten your seatbelt!

I feel as if today’s generation has lost the awe and beauty that comes along with the act of having sex. With all the T.V. show, movie, music, and porn portrayals of what sex is, it is easy to be blinded and forget about how beautiful and intimate it is supposed to be. These shows, movies, songs…

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Black and White

Some say being a Christian isn’t easy, but for me it is.

When people look at a Christian they usually put them in one of three categories; The Sunday Christian, The Hipster Christian, or The Bible Thumper.

The Sunday Christian is looked at as a “fake”. A fake because they only go to church to be seen. A fake because Saturday night they were out partying, drinking, and cursing. A fake because they don’t walk the walk.

The Hipster Christian is taken as a joke. A joke because they wear skinny jeans and beanies and walk around quiet and shy. A joke because they only ever stick to their crowd. A joke because they don’t reach out to those who need to see God’s love.

The Bible Thumper Christian is seen as old fashioned. Old fashioned because they know the words to every hymn. Old fashioned because they’re not open to the music genres and dress styles of today’s society. Old fashioned becuase they’re quick to judge today’s generation.

I was the Sunday Christian, I grew up with the Hipster Christian, and I’m related to the Bible Thumper.

Saturday nights were my get out and get seen nights. I wanted to be at the party and noticed by the guy with a drink in my hand because I was cool and fun like everyone else. I was looking for attention, affection, and love in the wrong place. Sunday I got up and went to church because my mom said I had to. I would roll my eyes at the sermon and half listen as I reminisced about the night before and anticipated the Saturday to come. My life was a disgrace to God and it was a lie.

The Hipster Christians in high school were the type that everyone knew were christians but no one ever talked to. They did their thing together as a group and never really reached out to the other students. They acted as though the atmosphere they were surrounded by was normal and completely acceptable. They never spoke out.

The Bible Thumper Christians are the “grandmas and grandpas” of today’s society. They dress overly conservative. They have a close-minded outlook. They turn their noses up to today’s outrageous tattoos and piercings. They judge people before God even does.

All of this goes to say no christian is perfect, but have you ever thought about being a “Black and White Christian”? You know, the christian that is after God’s heart, is quick to defend Him, loving and kind? The christian that wants to change every wordly and sinful thing about themselves in order to grow closer to Him and be a louder voice? The christian that is short to judge and quick to listen? The christian that doesn’t purposely pick and choose the convenient commandments to follow?

Though we may slip up and tell a white lie, judge the kid that stands out, lust after the beautiful man or woman, or even curse because we’re upset; we must remember that we are the voice for God. Why not defy those stereotypes? We are the ones that Satan is after. If we aren’t fighting the pull and schemes of this world then we’re not being a faithful voice, a faithful Christian.

So be faithful!! SHOW God that you’re thankful for His son dying for you!! SHOW those that don’t know Christ who He is by your words and actions!! BE a Black and White Christian!!

Being a christian is easy for me because I decided not to pick and choose what commandments to follow, judge others, or live a “fake” lifestyle. I decided to speak out. I decided to be a Black and White christian.